I Had a Thought

Somewhere in Melbourne, the sun has begun to rise. In Kuala Lumpur, it's still pitch black; but I'm already awake and typing at my blog. Actually, I haven't slept a wink since last night, and although my body is aching for a bit of shuteye, I have a lot of thoughts on my head that I just want to put down into writing. Here are just some of the fine bits that I'm skimming off the pool that's bubbling underneath my skull. The creme de la creme, so to speak.

1. Men and Their Undies

Call me shameless if you want, but I'm still going to say it out loud: men in underwear are EXTREMELY SEXY. I am not sure how to put it any less explicitly, but I think that when it comes to men in underwear - I just drool massively. Really. I have no idea if that counts as a fetish or not, but I have a thing for men in briefs and boxer briefs. I have no idea where I stand with jockstraps or G-strings yet, but whenever I see a band flashing out of the beau's back, I just smile to myself. It's extremely sexy, although the beau is always sexy to me anyway. :)

2. Ear Licking

Had a conversation with this guy from Bangsar (you know who you are!) who told me that he likes having someone lick and nibble on his earlobes. I laughed out loud when he told me of course, because really - he's as shameless as I am when it comes to sexual innuendos ;) - but it's also because I happen to have the same thing for ear licking and nibbling. I actually shudder. I'm not kidding you. When someone even comes even vaguely close to my ears and breathes on them, I just turn all jello. It's like my Kryptonite or something.

3. Fashion

I don't where I belong yet but I am somewhere between becoming a slave for fashion and becoming a fashion victim. I like to dress up, and I like to look good but sometimes experimentation takes me to places where the sun don't shine and Lady Gaga is the all-reigning Queen. Actually no, fug that - Tilda Swinton is Queen. And Bai Ling is the Court Jester. But still, whenever it comes to fashion and it's almighty claw of doom - I find myself staggering between the choice of giving in to fashion's labels (DAMN IT, I WANT THOSE BOTTEGAS!) or surviving on my already limited wardrobe by mixing and matching the "vintage" things (note the quotes) that Dad had when he was 18. Either way, fashion looks like a lose-lose to me at the moment, but I think I'm doing alright. At least alright enough for my boss at the Agency to give me all the fashion pages to write for.

4. Retrospective

That I think too much about the mistakes I made and the past I had before my life turned from dream come true to pumpkins after midnight. Truth is that I don't know why but the past has always been an intriguing place for my mind to play after dark, and I often think about the days back when I was no than 21 and still in college. Lots of things to be done when the big 2-1 came, among them booze, sex and lots of drugs. I actually am kidding about the drugs part, but I just feel so old already even after two years that I wonder how long will it take before I revisit what it is like to be 23 when I'm at 50. Oh god.

5. Self-Identity

Which is the question I ask myself everyday in the mirror when I look into the mirror: who is Sam Nasser? Who are you? And what am I doing here? Why in this body? Why this face? Why this part of the world? The questions never cease and I always feel that there is a higher purpose to my seemingly purposeless existence on the planet. Whether it is to spread the influence of my terrible fashion sense, torture the heck out of people with my demands or write seemingly interesting posts that just don't seem to make sense at this time of day - my self-identity feels that it has been either a) compromised, or b) lost in translation. Either way, it certainly makes for a fun morning every day, staring into the mirror and wondering what life would be like if I were someone else, like say... Ellen DeGeneres.

6. Blogging

Another question which bugs me so often is the direction I take these days with my writing. While struggling with and on-off mood swings that comes from a dozen possible sources (among one of which I have affirmed IS work) - I wonder if my blog really is worth reading these days. Because to be honest, I wouldn't read me, but then again I would read me because I am so weird. It must be pretty entertaining to watch me jump from one end of the emotional spectrum from depressive to optimistic all in two posts; there's almost a Jekyll-Hyde feel about it. I relish the feeling but it certainly makes for interesting writing, if not excessively terrible.

7. Sleep

Which is now what I believe I need. For the past five minutes I've been yawning and wiping the tears from my eyes, but I thought I'd finish this post at seven because seven is my favorite number of all the millions of numbers I could possibly have. Another is 520_, which happens to be the plate number of my car that I've just received two days ago and have been driving around ever since. It actually brings me to point number 4: retrospective, where I reminisce about the last days of 2008 in which I was still carless and driving licenseless. Things have changed since then, among them my skills, my personality (I'm even more confident these days, apparently) and my writing.

That said, I think it's time for Sam Nasser to come back to full-time blogging again. Tadaima.

OMG, You're MCP!

Today, the boss came in with interesting stockings. Yet again.

 

I couldn't resist of course.

 

Sam: "I love your dress."

Little Voice: "Liar."

Boss: "Awesome red isn't it?"

Sam: "Very nice. You look like a vision in that dress. The lady in red."

LV: "Actually she looked like she killed Little Red Riding Hood and stole her hood."

Boss: "Why thank you."

Sam: "And of course... that goes for your stockings as well."

Boss: "I know! I love it too!"

LV: "You have GOT to be kidding me."

Sam: "Where did you buy it this time?"

Boss: "I think it was some place in One Utama."

LV: "I think I prefered the one in Genting."

Sam: "Not bad. You look like Tron."

LV: "EXACTLY."

Boss: "What?"

Sam: "Errr... nothing. You look gorgeous."

LV: "I think if you connected her to a computer through her stockings, she can probably become its motherboard."

Things You Should Never Say To Your Boss ~ Part I

Sam: "Those are... interesting stockings."

Boss: "Interesting aren't they? I like the criss-cross pattern."

Sam: "Oh yes. Truly unique."

Boss: "I bought them at Genting."

Sam: "From the circus troupe?"

 

Sometimes, I swear a hint of Saint Wicked still exists somewhere deep inside of me. Somewhere.

 

 

Perfectly Imperfect

Today, I suffered the greatest pain ever. It was nothing physical though; my mind was the victim here. Worse of all, I don't know what caused it. Dozens of reasons seemed plausible, but I could affirm none of them. It could be pressure from work. It could be lack of a social life. Or it could be that I worry too much. All I knew was that one moment I was cheery with delight, the next second I was tormented with dark thoughts. I could make sense of nothing, and I just wanted to curl up and sleep. Or cry. Or die.

I was with Kyan when it came to me. And it was supposed to be a good day. We were to meet some friends of his for the PC Fair that was going on in the city, and I knew he was looking forward to it. Honestly, I had been looking forward to it myself, as this was the first time I had ever been to one - so the sudden onset of a depression knocked quite a bit of wind from me. Meeting his friends was also to be the highlight of the day; I had always wanted to meet the people he had spoken of so fondly. Suffice to say, it didn't go so well... for me at least. When we met his friends, I think I came off quite snobbishly as I didn't say much apart from greeting them and nodding in agreement at times. The beau had noticed something was wrong as we were leaving the house, so when we met his friends - I stayed clear of his path so as to not ruin his day as well. It was a horrible feeling, to feel utterly out of sync, yet not know why this was happening.

The dark thoughts that came to me did nothing to help. I saw fault with everyone I came across, and was on the verge of snapping with innocent bystanders. I thought terrible things of the people I met, and I felt envious, angry, sad, tired, anxious and edgy - all at the same time. I wanted to be alone, yet not be by myself. It came to a point that I just wanted to hurt myself in any way possible - whether it was to gorge myself on as much food as possible until I was bloated, listen to music on the iPod at insane volume levels or just dig into my flesh with my nails. I didn't know what or why I was feeling that way.

The loving beau did everything he could to help, but I couldn't give him an answer to what or why this was happening. He must have been disappointed, and I actually feel quite guilty of worrying him. Even so, my body was not doing what I wanted to do the most - assure him that I was fine - and I think that at some point, it must have hurt him to feel so helpless. I just remembered praying hard for the mood to pass, in hopes that some higher being - God or some other - was out there listening. Desperation, cannot possibly describe how much I would trade everything I had in life just to be and feel normal again.

The depression eventually went away as the day came to an end. Relieved, I tried to make amends to the beau. He was not angry, but I could not help but feel responsible that I had brought a resonating dip in his moods as well. To worry him, I feel as if I've let him down, as I've always tried to be the stronger of us both. By faltering, I feel as if I failed.

I could not bear but pick on all my insecurities today. When I went to the washroom, I avoided looking in the mirror. As I walked, I sucked my tummy in; there were no limits to what I perceived myself to be today: an imperfect human being. Indeed, everyone had always expected the best of of me, and I had lived to cater to that expectation. The loving boyfriend who was indestructible. The hardworking worker. The filial son. Neither of this was working out well with my own needs, but I had learned to put aside my needs for others. As I see it, what is so important about me, Sam Nasser?

Only when I break do I realise that I don't address my needs enough. I don't get enough rest. I don't see many of my friends enough. I really miss my bestie in Osaka. I hate the pressure at work. I need the love of my boyfriend, more than anyone else in the world. I want more time with the family. I want to settle down with my beloved. I want to be me.

2009 has not been kind to me. But it has brought me to face my deepest fears, my bleakest moods and my darkest thoughts to remind me that I am human. A mere mortal. Imperfect, but hopeful of trying my best.

I just hope that everyone knows I am fighting with all my strength. I may not be good-looking, efficient, careful or wise, but I'm trying to communicate my needs, as well as fulfill the needs of others to the best of my abilities. I am only human after all.

To the boyfriend, I am sorry if I disappointed you today or any other day. I know you have your expectations of the perfect guy, Mr Right. I'm not there, but I try.

The Twelve Things of Christmas

I am a greedy person. Sometimes, it may seem that I want EVERYTHING. And having a long list of 50-60 items on it does little to drive the point that I actually don't care what I get; it's the thought that counts. That said, I always think it would be nice to at least get something I want every now and then, so wishlists aren't all that irrelevant to me.

So here's a shortlisted copy of my 2009 wishlist for Christmas. I know I used to ask and want more, but there's only so much people can get you. After racking my heads (note the plural), I just can't seem to think of anything else anyone can get me. After all, the things I ask for can sometimes be plain expensive or just utter weird. Like the Disco Stick. Gaga fans will know what it is, but can anyone get me one?

Fat chance.

Anyway, without further ado, here's what's coming your way (and hopefully mine :P) this Yuletide season for 2009. All sorted from easiest to hardest to acquire in terms of pricing and availability.

1. Sophie Kinsella's Twenties Girl
I've always been a sucker for Sophie Kinsella books. I've got the whole Confessions of a Shopaholic Series and the Undomestic Goddess, but I'm still looking out for Can You Keep a Secret (which I've not got yet, but read already) and Twenties Girl, which is so new I've not a chance to read it yet.


2. Lady Gaga's The Fame Monster
I don't think you need me to tell you why this is good, muh-ma-ma-maaaaa...


3. Matt Dusk's Good News
So hot. So cute. So adorable. And such a sexy suave voice. Probably a little unknown compared to bigger players like Russell Watson or Michael Buble, Matt Dusk has got to be my favourite jazz singer around. From mellow hits to faster big-band thumpers, Matt has got me on my toes singing along. I want him! Err... I mean, I want his newest album. :P


4. Nici Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
I saw this at Parkson One Utama retailing at RM149 and it was SO ADORABLE. If I had my salary then, I would have walked away with it (despite the extravagantly expensive price) but I'll save it for a Christmas wish in case someone might just get it for me. :)


5. Resident Evil 5 for the Xbox360
Always had a thing for zombies (Shaun of the Dead, Dead Rising, Zombieland, and all various other zombie-related media) so it's natural that Resident Evil is on the list. Don't think they factor in for zombies anymore, considering the baddies are a little more complicated than that, but it still makes good fun to play (considering it's now got 2 player split-screen co-op).


6. Hugo Element (for Men)
Had a whiff of this some time ago and I totally fell in love with it. It's soft, sensual and almost floral - but it stuck on me and I just must have it. No other words can describe how much I want Jonathan Rhys-Meyers... ack, I mean Hugo Element for Men.


7. Sony PlayStation 3 Slim
I have an Xbox 360. But I'm greedy and I want a PS3. With exclusive game such as Little Big Planet, Metal Gear Solid 4 and FFXIII Versus - there are some good reasons why a PS3 is better than an Xbox at times. At times I said.


8. Apple iPhone 3GS
My phone is busted, and I am running on a phone that the beau purposely bought to lend to me. For now, it's doing a great job but I'm hoping I might get something better in the future. So if there's anyone out there listening, I want an Apple iPhone 3GS. Never been a sucker for iPhones but I've always wanted an iPod. Now that I need a phone too, why not combine it?


9. Sony Bravia
My television sucks. It's small, it's mono and I can't read the tiny text on my video games. Hence the need for HDTV. High definition is the way to go if you want to get things done, so if there are any rich guys / gals out there who are willing to sponsor or give away a HDTV (or a Sony Bravia) - do give me a call. ;)


10. Alex McQueen Hooves
The wishlist starts to get complicated here. Things start to get pricy, or just way out of league and when I start wishing for those Alex McQueen Hooves - you can bet it's just way out of your league. I won't actually wear them if I'm given them, but I can promise you that I will cherish them with my life until the day I can squeeze my size 11 feet into it and step on someone.


11. Gaga Barrier
It's so weird, but it's good because it keeps dastardly people away. I have no idea where you can get it though, but I think if you have enough cash - you can ask someone to manufacture it personally. It takes after the whole elliptical rotating disc-thingies you see at souvenir shops, so I suppose it's not that hard to make one to fit to your body.


12. Proton Saga
I'm in the process of trying to get this myself so this wish is not for anyone to get for me. I'm just hoping that I can wish for it hard enough for it to come true for me in time for Christmas. :)

UPDATE: Those looking for cheaper gifts might find it in the wishlist section of the blog. This be all the things I really want off the top of my head. :P